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Stop Fighting for a Seat at the Table, Build your Own!

“But while you’re fighting for a seat at the table, I’ll be down in Atlanta building my own.” -Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry, screenwriter, director, producer, and actor spoke this famous line while delivering his acceptance speech at the Black Entertainment Television (BET) awards in 2019.  What a powerful statement to apply at this time in celebration of two monumental months in the United States, February being Black History month (although, Black history is celebrated all year long because it is American history 😉 ) and March being Women’s History month (again celebrated all year long!).  It is a time when we celebrate the accomplishments of those whom have come before us within the African American community and those who have lit the torch as women.  Accomplishments not meant to be only celebrated by people of these two diverse demographics, but celebrated and embraced by all.

Historically, individuals of ethnically diverse communities and women have and in many ways continue to be on the receiving end of systemic oppression and report having experiences when they were told or made to feel undervalued, disrespected, or overridden.  I can personally attest to having this experience as an Afro-Latina and even more so as a solo parent.  Several years ago, I was living in an unsafe apartment with my young son, at the time.  Although, having graduated with a Master’s degree, I found myself earning less than ideal wage, continuously behind on bills, exhausted, and wondering what life had in store for my son and I.  I remember a conversation that I had with someone.  I was told that as a single mother I should be happy for what appeared as less than ideal.  That I should be happy with what I knew to be less than God’s best for me and my family.  I was told that I should wait until I marry before buying a home, before continuing my education, before pursuing professional and business pursuits, and progressing in life.  I recall letting out a slight chuckle as I responded to my friend’s claim, “what if I do not marry?  You suggest that I wait? By recommending that I wait until I meet someone and marry, you are implying that essentially I should stop progressing and living life.”  Being single does not mean being stagnant; quite the opposite.  And being a solo parent does not mean that one should give up on life.  Sure goals may need to be postponed, reevaluated, critiqued, or modified, but a solo parent must continue to persevere through.  It is possible!

I was never one to settle, but it was at that moment as I listened to the voice on the other end of the telephone when I decided that I would not stop living life, that I would stop living according to the standards of others, that I would stop trying to appease others, and not allow others to dictate how I should live or place limitations on what the best life looks like for my son and I.  I made an intentional decision to live according to my God-designed purpose and essentially stop fighting for a seat at someone else’s table, but build my own

Over the years and especially within the last two, this statement rings true more each day.  Yes, it is in the words you speak.  It is in what and who influences you.  It is even in the actions that you display.  But understand, Dear One, building your own table, is a mindset.  Building your own table is creating the life your heart desires as Psalm 37:4 reminds us, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart.”  Building your own table is setting yourself a apart from things, situations, and people who do not mean you well AND placing yourself in position to serve in the capacity God has called you to serve.  This mindset means to step out of your comfort zone even in the midst of the tears, uncertainty, the what if’s, the fears, and doubts.  And this oftentimes may result in you standing alone or being the first to set the trend, the healthy pattern and lifestyle, or the movement.   

Building your own table means not waiting for others to open the door for you, but opening your own and recognizing when God says, “It’s your time daughter.  I created you for such a time as this.”  It is not leaving opportunities to chance, but being proactive and showing up in your life.  Sometimes we wait for others to take the lead, when perhaps God has called us to take the initiative!  Let that last statement just softly marinate in your spirit!

As you are developing this mindset, make note of the following:

  • Take Inventory. Where are you in your life?  I am not referring to location necessarily, but your headspace?  Your life plan?  Are you pleased with where you are in your life, your health, your career, the decisions that you are making?  What would you change?  Taking inventory is an opportunity for you to evaluate what is “working” and “not working” in your life. 

Let’s do an exercise: Take out your journal, notebook, or sheet of paper.  You will create several columns with Career, Business, Spirituality, Emotional Well-Being, Physical Health, Family/Relationships, Academics and/or any additional areas that are important in this season of your life.  Once complete, jot down thoughts and feelings about each area.  Does the thought of career make you break into a sweat exhibiting signs of discomfort or anxious feelings?  This exercise allows you to explore deeper feelings.  Do you feel anxious because you are not where you believe you should be at this point in your life?  Let us move to the other side of the spectrum.  What is working well?  What area do you feel confident in?  What areas do you want to develop in?  What area do you need to improve in?  This question leads us to the next key point. Goals!

  • Goals.  Goals are vital to success.  I encourage you to explore S.M.A.R.T. goals allowing you an opportunity to develop short term and long term goals.  In the same areas that were discussed when taking inventory, explore where you see yourself in each area in the next 10 years, 5 years, or 1 year.  For instance, perhaps one of your goals is to be promoted to a supervisorial position in the next 5 years.  What you choose to do today matters.  Break your goal down in specific, measurable, and realistic short term goals.  Do you need to take a class?  Do you require a degree or a certification?  To achieve your 1 year goal, break the goal into quarterly, monthly, weekly, or possibly realistic daily goal to achieve the long term goal.  

  • Positioning.  Position yourself for opportunities.  Keep your eyes, ears, and heart open to new situations and new circles.  Have you heard the phrase, “if you stay ready, you won’t have to get ready?”  What does that mean?  It is a similar concept spoken in the Parable of the Ten Virgins (Matthew 2:1-13, NIV).  It is based on the principle that five of the ten virgins were prepared with oil for the bridegroom’s arrival; thus, they were rewarded.  The remaining five virgins were unprepared as they missed the arrival of the bridegroom because they left to quickly purchase oil.  Sister, we must be ready in and out of season.  When waiting for the perfect career opportunity, have your CV or resume already prepared.  When you desire to purchase a house, do your research prior to the perfect home buying market and start budgeting and saving in advance.  When wanting to be a guest blogger, have a few selections ready for submission.

  • Mentorship. Mentorship is imperative.  A mentor provides guidance in one or more areas in your life because of their experience, their wisdom, and other qualities that may be important to you.  You may have more than one mentor such as a spiritual mentor (someone you seek spiritual and biblical guidance and wisdom from when making decisions), an academic mentor (guidance when making educational decisions), or a professional mentor (guidance when making sound career moves) for example.  Is there someone in your life who you respect, trust, and see as a pillar of wisdom?  If you do not, explore your current circles, write a list on which qualities are vital for a prospective mentor to have, pay attention to who has a life plan that aligns with the direction that you desire to go, do your research on the individual and the area that you are seeking mentorship in, and set up a business lunch or brunch to propose your well-thought out idea.

  • Giving back.  Generosity is not about us, but about being a vessel for God’s light to shine through as we assist people whom God has called us to serve.  Giving can be a rewarding experience as we see the smiles on others’ faces.  But let us remember that we cheerfully give not to receive, but to be a blessing upon others.  Giving may include monetary gifts, but it can also mean tangible items such as food, clothing, or even a service like offering to babysit for a single mom, painting a room or the backyard fence for a neighbor who cannot afford a painter.  Giving could even mean your time such as offering a listening ear or providing a list of local resources.  Giving can take the shape of volunteering at a local food bank, church ministry, or writing get-well cards for those hospitalized.  

The phrase Build your own table evokes many emotions.  What does it evoke in you?  How are you building your own table in your community, in your home, and within your family?  Share your comments below!

-Dr. Chanel



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